When I said 'I do.'
by Minja
Summary: Wufei promised to honor his wife. He promised to respect his wife. He promised everything he could.....but he could never promise to love her.....(Wufei POV) W/M


Authors notes: Hey everybody! Not really all that much to say. General disclaimers apply, not like any of you really thought I owned anything I write about...hehehe....another note, This is being labeled OOC (Out of Character), cause..well, mainly I want to be safe. I know alot of people think Wufei and Meiran were truly in love, but in this fic..I dunno. It almost seems to me that Wuffie's in denial, but...hey..anyway, so please! Don't kill me for making their marriage love-less. I mean, I dunno, it sorta seemed a bit more realistic, nevermind, now I'm rambling. Also, I know the song at the beginning "When I Said I Do" is a sweet, romantic song about a happy marriage and deep, everlasting love..and I tore it apart! I'm sorry! Don't kill me!  
  
Okay, so here are the Warnings: OOC (Wufei), pairings: W/M, and slight song abuse.  
  
That seems to be about it...oh, and I'm sorry if I misspelled Meiran incorrectly, I've seen this and Meiren, so...  
  
Okay, I'll shut up now.  
  
***~~~***~~~***~~~  
  
"When I said 'I do'  
I meant that I always,  
Till the end of all time,  
Be faithful and true,  
Devoted to you,  
That's what I had in mind,  
When I said 'I do.'"  
  
I never promised to love Meiran. I honestly didn't. It was like these lyrics I had found. I promised to be faithful and true, devoted to my wife. I would never cheat on her, be false to her. I would be devoted as a husband should be to a wife. I would attempt to..no, I WOULD provide for her, as a man should.  
  
I didn't even promise to like Meiran. There was not a 'to have and to hold' vow. Nor a 'love and to cherish'. There was 'through sickness and health', 'till death do you part', and 'as long as you both shall live'.  
  
That means I was stuck forever with Meiran as much as she was stuck with me, until we should both die, for even after simply one death, we would be expected to grieve forever. As long as our life continued, we would grieve for the one who was gone.  
  
This is not to say that everyone didn't know about us. We hadn't promised to love each other, our families knew that. They knew we hadn't promised anything other than to respect and give basic human decency to each other. They knew it wasn't love.  
  
The elders knew it wasn't love. A few deep down romantics might have hoped it would eventually be love, but..  
  
Deep down, anyone could tell.  
  
We never pretended to be the loving couple, either. If we had to be in public together, we would. I would stand at her side making sure she was protected, although there would never been anything to protect her from (especially something that she couldn't protect herself from). If someone was to ask if it was a happy marriage, we would both reply that 'we are well suited for each other'. This made people assume we were happy.  
  
Not that we were.  
  
We 'were well suited for each other', as we often told people. Neither of us wanted to lie, yet it would not be proper to speak of the idiocy of our marriage. If you really think...to marry two..two children, CHILDREN, and expect them to live a happily married life...when they have not even known each other more than a few chance meetings and one or more official gatherings? It was quite possibly one of the most foolish things that the elders ever did, not that I would honestly speak against them.  
  
It is strange how I still hesitate to speak up against people who will never again control my life. All are gone, yet I still treat them with the ill-placed reverence that I was taught. Perhaps, even though we grow and see things in a different light, we will forever cling to the beliefs schooled into us as children. Maybe this all seems strange, for I am but 17..yet, I have not been a child for years. Not since Meiran's death have I been a child. Wufei the child died with Meiran the child.  
It is almost as if my child self had grown somewhat fond of our meager existence together..  
  
Which you are not known of yet, so I shall tell you.  
  
As I said, we were indeed well suited for each other. One would think, that if 'opposites attract' is true, that we would have indeed been forever in love, but we were not. We were, however, opposites. I was a leaner, she was a warrior. I know that it seems odd, with my hard schooling, my belief that men are stronger, that we must protect the frailty of women, that men will always hold a strength that they never can match...  
That my wife was the strong one, the warrior. And thus, we never had too many battles, for I had my interests, she, hers. That way, we were never at 'Who is the best warrior?!' or 'Who is the smartest?!'. We knew. I was learned, she fought.  
  
And that is what I meant..what WE meant by 'We are well suited for each other.'  
  
This, however, does not mean we wouldn't fight...  
I can honestly say it was Meiran who started most fights. It would begin with light teasing, her calling me 'Scholar boy', and various other names to prove I was a worthless encyclopedia. Yet, it was not teasing of flirting, of friendship, or even of familiarity. It was simply the mocking of my life, my way of life, and my values. Meiran was origianlly able to get a rise out of me by a few well placed insults, but too soon I figured out what she was doing and the insults dripped off me like rain from a duck's back.  
  
That was when she would challenge my courage, my man-hood. Although I was never meant for, and yes, even now I'll admit I was never meant for the battlefield, my man-hood was one thing to never disgrace. All men have that pride ingrained in them, such as women have some variation. You wish to be proud that you are not simply human, but man, strong man, capable of anything.   
  
This foolishness was what started my fighting with Meiran, always.  
I think now, that although once I accused her of purposely provocking me for sheer entertainment, (she replied it was the best way to get practice) it was actually a way for us to interact, even if it was through kicks and punches. Meiran was a naturally vivacious, and vicious, girl and so, to make her have no company was cruelity beyond end. While we would talk about 'safe subjects', aka the elders, schooling that day, how our day was in general, we could never really talk. It just wasn't my way, and is not my way, even now. I believe that if she might have began an in-depth conversation once, I might have eventually managed to chat once of twice (for her sake), however...she never did.  
  
I am still amazed at the conversation I had with Duo about Meiran. He had been bothering everyone again, prying, asking personal things. Trowa had been in the room and had refused to answer any of the questions. Duo had slyly turned to me and began his interrogation.  
  
"Ever had a girlfriend, Wu?" I had shook my head, honestly, I had never had one. Meiran had never been a girlfriend, and I had always been too absorbed in studies for girls.  
  
"No." Duo had smirked, but still smiling coyly, he pressed some more.  
  
"Any kind of serious relationship? Come'on! Spill.." I had smirked, myself.   
  
"I was married, once." I can still see his eyes popping out of his head at that statement. I even laughed, I believe.   
  
"Wha? Wha-what?"   
  
"Married, Duo. I was married at fourteen to a girl named Meiran." Trowa was slightly pressing forward, curious about this revelation about me, I'm sure. He however, was a lot more subtle than Duo.  
  
"Why in the hell did you get married at fourteen?" Trowa snorted.  
  
"Love, Wufei?" Something in his tone hinted to that Trowa figured it was an arranged marriage, but didn't wish to insult me otherwise. I appreciated that, even though I have little qualms talking about Meiran.  
  
"Arranged." Duo just kept giving me that 'I cannot believe this' look. I shrugged and continued. "It was one of my clan's...erm.." I struggled to think of the right word.  
  
"Tactics?" Came a voice from the doorway. Heero was leaning on the frame, looking in. He nodded curtly and I turned back to Duo.  
  
"Yes. That would be a good word."   
  
"Tactics?" Duo sounded a bit more normal, but still a little confused. "Why 'tactics'?"  
I looked at Heero, who seemed to be doing the explaining of my own marriage better than I could. I normally wouldn't be so open with the fellow pilots, but I could see I would just have to answer them now, and then, Meiran's name would never have to be spoken again. I do not speak ill of the dead..I just figure, it is best to..well, not speak of the dead at all.  
  
"Offspring?" I looked up and nodded at Heero again. Duo blinked, then a coy smile appeared on his face again.   
  
"Wuuufeeii.." I gave him a look that cut him short, then actually relaxed a bit.   
  
"I hate to disappoint you, Maxwell, but Meiran and I never actually consummated our relationship."  
  
We never had, for..frankly, there had been no need. There was no method of birth control Meiran could have possibly been on, other than a counting method, and no abortion, naturally, for we were married and so, any children would be born and raised. Yet, fourteen was too young to have children, us being children ourselves, and then, the other part was...we frankly had no desire to do anything of the manner. We knew a child was inevitable to have, or rather to be forced to have, and so, we knew that waiting as long as possible was the best idea. It was simpler to keep our existence with as little contact between the both of us as we had to endure, for sake of..basically everything. Knowing that a pregnancy and child would drastically change this, it was inevitably decided that child bearing needed to..and, thankfully, could wait.   
  
"Wait a minute! You can't expect me to believe that.." I shook my head.  
  
"I can't, can I? Well, needless of your belief, we never did."   
  
"Did you guys share a bed?" I blushed, it was getting beyond personal, yet, I really couldn't back out of answering. Besides, there wasn't much to tell.  
  
We had indeed shared a bed. It was a very small dwelling, with just the allowance of rooms that we had to have. The simplest furnishings, the simplest resources. We had little to no luxuries, and I believe we both liked it. While we did have nice things, decorations and a few odd trinkets, most were from our respective homes and the large furniture was plain and simple. Having little room, we were forced to share a bed, but we both slept still as logs, and so to each our respective sides, we were quite fine.   
  
"Yes. But nothing ever happened." Trowa nodded, fully believing me. Duo looked slightly less convinced and was about to open his mouth to make another question when Trowa interrupted him.  
  
"Where is she now?" I could see in his eyes that he had already guessed, as he had guessed that our marriage was one of arrangement, but was simply giving me opportunity to dispel any false accusations. I was also appreciative for the change in subject, however somber it would turn as a result.  
  
"My wife, Meiran, was killed while piloting Shenlong to defend our colony." Heero double blinked, once probably because of the fate of Meiran, and secondly because she was not only piloting what the others assumed was 'MY Gundam', but that I had called it 'Shenlong' in the same breath. I always will refer to it as Nataku in my fighting..but to Meiran it was Shenlong. And in correspondence with her death, must be referred to as Shenlong.  
  
Duo was about to say something, yet Heero gave him a death glare, and Duo ceased to speak.   
  
"I am sorry." I glanced over at Trowa in amazement.  
  
"As am I." I had nodded curtly to the three pilots and walked out of the room.  
  
The others have never mentioned Meiran again. I appreciate this, not because I am ashamed of having been married or of my wife, but of because...it was not who I was. With Meiran, I could never be Chang Wufei, who I am...not that I can now. But even more then, being forced into a role I could never fill. I was not meant to be Chang Wufei, husband to Chang Meiran, father of..I don't know, Chang Lin, or whatever name we would give a child.   
  
As well, I was not meant to be Wufei, 05, pilot of Shenlong, affectionately dubbed 'Nataku' after someone I'm not even affectionate for. I was not meant to be the killer, another member of a group of 5 who try to...inadvertedly save the world, I suppose. Or at-least, save the colonies. I was not meant to be a savior, anymore than Meiran expected to need saving.  
  
The bond I'll always share with Meiran is..frightening. I never loved her, never even really liked her. I had a vague admiration for her full beliefs that were unshakable, but for that same aspect I mentally ridiculed and doubted her. I had the life-respect, respect for anything living with a mind, that one must have for another human, and the respect for her as my wife..but nothing beyond that.   
  
I was not lying to Trowa when I said I was sorry as well. Death is never good, and especially in Meiran's case..she could have been wonderful. Although sometimes, I think its good that she died happy, not old and gray, but still in love with the fight, embraced in the passion she had for the blood. It seems strange to think that she died on the wind of blood and destruction in a field of perfect blosumes..and only then realized how pretty they were.  
  
I was holding her as she passed on, for it was I who had found her, almost lifeless as it was. Sometimes I honestly wonder why I ran after her like I did, but all I know is...I did. I knew that she would get herself killed one day, and I suppose I was hoping if I could get there in time..I could stop it...  
  
But I was too late.  
  
The only time I've been late in my life cost Meiran her's. I don't know if the guilt is foolish..but I have guilt, nonetheless. I mean, I was never meant to be a savior, never meant to be the hero..  
  
Yet, the only time Meiran ever needed me to be..I couldn't.  
  
Like she had as a young child, taunting my man-hood, calling me weak, and simply a learner, not a fighter..Meiran pointed out, even in her final hours how weak I truly was. I truly am.  
  
I know as she died she remarked that I was strong, probably just to leave me with a faintly peaceful image of her, not fighting or angry, but harmonious and generous, and I know that she honestly might have believed it..  
  
But I am weak.  
  
And my colony is gone now. And so, I will not be held to my death in my grief over Meiran, my wife who I would never love, because you cannot force love to grow, and if you do, only contempt grows.   
  
And I do not have to remain alone, remarking that there can never be a woman who can take Meiran's place.  
  
And the strange thing is, that no woman ever can.  
  
And if, (you are wondering, right) if this is why I look onto all woman with such contempt and superiority..it is because, next to Meiran, they are inferior. I could never have a woman who could not fill Meiran's stronghold over voicing her rights, her opinions. I could never marry a weakling like myself and expect us to live, to last.   
  
My childhood died with Meiran; it will never be back.   
  
I am just so tired of it all. Of everything. I preserve my wife's memory, even though I had little other than primal care for her. I scream of injustices I do not understand. I do not even understand the word. 'Injustice'.  
  
Meiran's killing was an injustice, our marriage was an injustice. It was an injustice to foolish children who will never be the same.  
  
Because of that injustice both children are dead. Meiran's body, my soul will forever be dead.  
  
I suppose I rant over justice so much, calling everything this and that, injustice and justice, right and wrong, stupid onnas'...  
  
I cannot fight the real injustice. So I must fight miss labeled bad days and bad circumstances. The 'so- called injustices'. They are the only ones I can fight.  
  
And after I rant and rave, I am afraid to look into a mirror, because I know I'll see Meiran. I sometimes don't think it was such a mistake that we look alike. I feel sometimes..like I am her. Which is why I can never love who I am.  
  
Because I do not, cannot...will not love Meiran.  
  
And I never will.  
  
And if I cannot love Meiran, I can never love myself.  
  
Because I am her.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
